Life is full of lemons and I'm sucking some big ones right now. I'm riding in the back seat- once again. I wished I knew what it is that I do that makes the big guys so irate. I seem to have the BIG target on my forehead all of the time. I was told to go to Kandahar to rest after a big event that happened on the base that I was visiting. My little boss from nowhere land would take my place while I was evaluated for the nut case that I am.
Let's back up for a minute...I handled myself well...check. I was given numerous atta boys....check. I even got a certificate that stated I did a good job...check. None of my people were injured or killed...check, check. So what is the problem? This, my friends and EMS pals, is the problem. Some desk sitting, boss licking, brown nosing medic decided that he missed out on some good ol' adrenalin rushing fun and I was in the trenches. He was sick of being the paperwork bitch and saw an opportunity to push aside a girl and see some "good stuff" himself. Plus his buddy gave him an excuse to get rid of me (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), and away they went...Off to save the day... but first to get me outta the way. So away I go and in comes the ball droppers to save the day. WTH?
Stress debriefing is what I was to get- a medical term meaning crisis management. They do a series of checks within a week to make sure your cookies are intact. It goes like this:
Step 1; Defusing: You're given a lifeline in the form of a phone number. They also talk to you before "beddie bye time" to make sure you are ok... in my case this step was skipped.
Step 2; Debriefing; Within 72 hours- You're given a chance to rest and "talk out" your experience. If you need additional coping mechanism, they are suggested by a mental health professional. I spoke to a MH worker alright... as he stepped on my carcass as I was ordered back to the big house. Atlast he was seeing to the needs of the FOB, about time. I guess I'll rest when I get home because the big base is busy and short staffed as usual and my working skills were needed. So, this step was skipped too.
Step 3; Follow up. A check up following debriefing and it happens 7 days later....oh I guess I don't get this either since step 1 & 2 were skipped.
I have given no reason to think that my coping skills flew out my ears or that life is bleak due to a little drama. I get no rest and I've talked to all, even most of the staff, about my experience. I've never been better! What makes anyone, especially one that does not work the road (so to speak) or deal with patient's think they have the right to judge me. Actually, I think you must be a little nuts to purposely put yourself in a situation after the fact. What is there to clean up. It's done.
I read a statistic that in Detroit the murder rate is in the top 10. That means I am more likely to get killed at home than here. However, stabbings in the back can happen anywhere... Even here in the sandbox.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Soldiers don't cry
Soldiers don't cry. Such a sad day here on the FOB. We gathered today to celebrate the life of and say good bye to a great man and friend, a fearless soldier, an outstanding leader, father of four. The tragedy of war. These are the times that really remind me that I'm in a war zone and people die...even people that I know.
The memorial was rehearsed and planned for 50 people. Silly Commanders! These are the good ol' USA boys & girls. We do nothing alone. We support each other and the outsiders look in and wonder why we cry and race to the rescue for total strangers. They don't understand that as an American you are in a caring, special family composed of all nationalities and sexes. Your hurt is my hurt. Your pain is my pain. We are there!
So most of the camp attended and contractors too... which brings me to another point- Soldiers really don't cry. I was bawling my eyes out, (which is typical for me), but so were the guns for hire who have seen it all. I saw a tear escape from a kid from the deceased man's battalion and I passed him a napkin. He simply shook it off and straightened up. It made me proud in a strange way. Do I really want some guy who is an emotional wreck guarding me at night. Or can I cut them a little slack and realize that their hurt is my hurt, their pain is my pain. I am a team player so, ok....Soldiers don't cry, but I do. I'll cry for you.
Say a little prayer for us today. For the family of the guy who gave his life unselfishly so that others may have a better life and be free from tyranny. For all who serve and protect our great nation. And for the people who live in this land who face hardship and fight everyday just to live their lives free.
The memorial was rehearsed and planned for 50 people. Silly Commanders! These are the good ol' USA boys & girls. We do nothing alone. We support each other and the outsiders look in and wonder why we cry and race to the rescue for total strangers. They don't understand that as an American you are in a caring, special family composed of all nationalities and sexes. Your hurt is my hurt. Your pain is my pain. We are there!
So most of the camp attended and contractors too... which brings me to another point- Soldiers really don't cry. I was bawling my eyes out, (which is typical for me), but so were the guns for hire who have seen it all. I saw a tear escape from a kid from the deceased man's battalion and I passed him a napkin. He simply shook it off and straightened up. It made me proud in a strange way. Do I really want some guy who is an emotional wreck guarding me at night. Or can I cut them a little slack and realize that their hurt is my hurt, their pain is my pain. I am a team player so, ok....Soldiers don't cry, but I do. I'll cry for you.
Say a little prayer for us today. For the family of the guy who gave his life unselfishly so that others may have a better life and be free from tyranny. For all who serve and protect our great nation. And for the people who live in this land who face hardship and fight everyday just to live their lives free.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
On the road again...
Since I've been on the road for awhile...I even missed my birthday back at my home FOB. I hate to mention that I did not have a chance to go there as planned. I understand that I have boxes waiting for me that would stack to 8 feet tall. If you sent one- I haven't acknowledge it because I still don't know who sent a package. Thank you, I still appreciate the thoughtfulness! If it's chocolate, I will still cherish it and eat it melted. You learn to adapt and overcome, plus for Pete's sake- it's chocolate!
It's a huge inconvenience for me that I couldn't make the quick stop and reload. My male boss does not understand that women need stuff. Thank you God for providing me with Amazon. It really made me bite back some harsh words knowing that I was ordering the very things that I had stored back at my home FOB. Plus, nothing is locked up. My partner, so far, is a guy and not interested in my pantie liners or extra toothbrush. That won't last for long. I am expecting a new partner because things have to change on a daily basis here. Gone is Jay (who missed the wife and kiddles) and Sergio is on his way back home...so it's boo hoo for me. Break in another partner- when I get there.
I only brought a few things with me, because we had a self serve washer and I didn't care if I wore the same things over and over as long as I didn't have to drag a heavy suitcase around. I have a great friend in my buddy Viktoria! She tossed me some clothes for the gym and for an event...she is the best! I paid her back with much need toiletries. I can't think of life without her. She's been the best friend!
SO it's a little sad here at Lake FOB. I have no idea when I will catch up on sleep. Plus my 5 days of clothes take 3 days to wash at the laundry. Tomorrow will have to be extra deodorant day as I am out of clothes. One lucky thing is that since I move around so much, I had a ready made friend's circle here. And, I am taking a class that will make me a bit more marketable- YEAH! So that's how it goes... on the road...here in the sandbox.
It's a huge inconvenience for me that I couldn't make the quick stop and reload. My male boss does not understand that women need stuff. Thank you God for providing me with Amazon. It really made me bite back some harsh words knowing that I was ordering the very things that I had stored back at my home FOB. Plus, nothing is locked up. My partner, so far, is a guy and not interested in my pantie liners or extra toothbrush. That won't last for long. I am expecting a new partner because things have to change on a daily basis here. Gone is Jay (who missed the wife and kiddles) and Sergio is on his way back home...so it's boo hoo for me. Break in another partner- when I get there.
I only brought a few things with me, because we had a self serve washer and I didn't care if I wore the same things over and over as long as I didn't have to drag a heavy suitcase around. I have a great friend in my buddy Viktoria! She tossed me some clothes for the gym and for an event...she is the best! I paid her back with much need toiletries. I can't think of life without her. She's been the best friend!
SO it's a little sad here at Lake FOB. I have no idea when I will catch up on sleep. Plus my 5 days of clothes take 3 days to wash at the laundry. Tomorrow will have to be extra deodorant day as I am out of clothes. One lucky thing is that since I move around so much, I had a ready made friend's circle here. And, I am taking a class that will make me a bit more marketable- YEAH! So that's how it goes... on the road...here in the sandbox.
Another Day, Another FOB
It's crazy at The FOB I'm at now. Busy, busy, busy! Every place I move to has it's challenges...different climates, new people, problems, paperwork, critters. Oh yeah! This one has snakes and I mean the BIG ones. WTH???
I thought the cute little frogs that hopped over from the nearby unbelievably beautiful lake were charming and I thought to myself, why did they not include that lake in the FOB planning to incorporate a little fun time! Why leave it sit outside where we can barely view it. Why not let us have a tiny bit of swim time- it's really big enough for some major jet ski's. But like everything else in the sandbox it's full of danger. This one comes in the form of snakes...all of them bite...all of them venomous. And they- the tiny frogs that hop on over, probably looking for sanctuary, but instead entice the snakes to our camp- Great!
I had a little girl time talk with the 15 girls that live here with me...did I mention that there is almost 20 guys to every girl here (not counting the other side of the street). I was asked to speak on hygiene and dress code since most walk to the showers in their flip flops and towels- just like back home. The men congregate around the walkway to the showers, plus the sandal biz with a camp full of snakes- that is a sign saying bite me!
I wasn't too worried until they did not catch the 2 footer by my tent who has probably set up housekeeping right under my sleeping quarters. So, I agreed to speak, but I would not say anything about the rules. I did say that I was sorry that anti-venom was not available on this FOB and we talked about how Manolo's were cute, even if you only had one foot.
Bugs, scorpions and the heat...100 degrees at 8 am- really? I'm telling you, I'm in hell. But the people here are so nice and they make the best of it. You got to wonder at the resilience of our species...here in the sandbox.
I thought the cute little frogs that hopped over from the nearby unbelievably beautiful lake were charming and I thought to myself, why did they not include that lake in the FOB planning to incorporate a little fun time! Why leave it sit outside where we can barely view it. Why not let us have a tiny bit of swim time- it's really big enough for some major jet ski's. But like everything else in the sandbox it's full of danger. This one comes in the form of snakes...all of them bite...all of them venomous. And they- the tiny frogs that hop on over, probably looking for sanctuary, but instead entice the snakes to our camp- Great!
I had a little girl time talk with the 15 girls that live here with me...did I mention that there is almost 20 guys to every girl here (not counting the other side of the street). I was asked to speak on hygiene and dress code since most walk to the showers in their flip flops and towels- just like back home. The men congregate around the walkway to the showers, plus the sandal biz with a camp full of snakes- that is a sign saying bite me!
I wasn't too worried until they did not catch the 2 footer by my tent who has probably set up housekeeping right under my sleeping quarters. So, I agreed to speak, but I would not say anything about the rules. I did say that I was sorry that anti-venom was not available on this FOB and we talked about how Manolo's were cute, even if you only had one foot.
Bugs, scorpions and the heat...100 degrees at 8 am- really? I'm telling you, I'm in hell. But the people here are so nice and they make the best of it. You got to wonder at the resilience of our species...here in the sandbox.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
I am an island
Today I was sitting around with the guys and they were telling some not so PC jokes. I was laughing and one of the guys remarked that it's time for me to go. The place is rubbing off on me. Indeed it is. This was my favorite FOB to be at, but times change and people are constantly moved around. A fact I will never understand.
Check out this analogy, I have a sewing machine. I push down on the foot pedal which directs the needle and bobbin to work in harmony. The thread comes out in tiny increments threading through the material as perfect stitches. The wheel turns round and round to coordiate the parts. It is a well oiled machine and made perfectly for the job. Suppose I step softly on the pedal with tiny baby feet, the machine would not do quite a splended job- if it worked at all. If I jammed on the pedal all parts would work in a jerky fashion with my stitches toppling each other- some hiding while others are on the radar. You keep the person who does the best job with the highest skill level and who can do it with the least amount of effort. Make sense?
A leader should be that. Someone who others go to, is approachable, that they can look up to. A leader should have a voice and frequently use it, but not shout or demean. They should be visible- you can't look to the one you can't see. They make decisions in a calm, concise manner- so as not to panick the masses. They implement methods that are tried and true. They screw up too, but they alone take the blame thereby establishing trust. Lastly, they are resilent, optimistic and empathtic. That's the person I want on my side, the one to follow. Someone who has my back.
Not the one that leaves me stranded on an island with Hitler, Napolean and Baron Munchhausen rolled up in one. That was a recent challenge for me. As medics, many look to us. We're the docs they see. The one to fix all things. We perservere and compete with the challenge. We can muddle on and muddle through. Many things we can't change, but can make it better simply by listening. No matter the problem, we're here to fix the hurt. Even if the hurt is on us.
So the place is rubbing off on me. Gone are the days of putting racist in their place- I'm now a dirty, stupid black, and by golly I have to take it. (SO what I'm Mexican- same thing). I can get pushed around and not push back. Yelled at in front of a early morning meeting with disparing remarks and not defend myself. (Let's never forget how well I do mornings...I'm silly happy). And don't forget the cardinal rule that you follow all rules but HIPPA- I don't think so! Some things I refuse to change and patients do need protection.
So I leave to go back to nice and happy Maria and another place... where I am a rock. I am an island... always on my own.
Check out this analogy, I have a sewing machine. I push down on the foot pedal which directs the needle and bobbin to work in harmony. The thread comes out in tiny increments threading through the material as perfect stitches. The wheel turns round and round to coordiate the parts. It is a well oiled machine and made perfectly for the job. Suppose I step softly on the pedal with tiny baby feet, the machine would not do quite a splended job- if it worked at all. If I jammed on the pedal all parts would work in a jerky fashion with my stitches toppling each other- some hiding while others are on the radar. You keep the person who does the best job with the highest skill level and who can do it with the least amount of effort. Make sense?
A leader should be that. Someone who others go to, is approachable, that they can look up to. A leader should have a voice and frequently use it, but not shout or demean. They should be visible- you can't look to the one you can't see. They make decisions in a calm, concise manner- so as not to panick the masses. They implement methods that are tried and true. They screw up too, but they alone take the blame thereby establishing trust. Lastly, they are resilent, optimistic and empathtic. That's the person I want on my side, the one to follow. Someone who has my back.
Not the one that leaves me stranded on an island with Hitler, Napolean and Baron Munchhausen rolled up in one. That was a recent challenge for me. As medics, many look to us. We're the docs they see. The one to fix all things. We perservere and compete with the challenge. We can muddle on and muddle through. Many things we can't change, but can make it better simply by listening. No matter the problem, we're here to fix the hurt. Even if the hurt is on us.
So the place is rubbing off on me. Gone are the days of putting racist in their place- I'm now a dirty, stupid black, and by golly I have to take it. (SO what I'm Mexican- same thing). I can get pushed around and not push back. Yelled at in front of a early morning meeting with disparing remarks and not defend myself. (Let's never forget how well I do mornings...I'm silly happy). And don't forget the cardinal rule that you follow all rules but HIPPA- I don't think so! Some things I refuse to change and patients do need protection.
So I leave to go back to nice and happy Maria and another place... where I am a rock. I am an island... always on my own.
Friday, June 1, 2012
same,same, but different
Picture: Arian, Viktoria and Me!God is more interested in changing me than my circumstances. I repeat that day in and day out. I'm up against a brick wall. Somebody is making life hell for everyone. I want to be friendly and try to have others look in a new way at others, but how can I when there's sneaking about and back stabbing abounds? You should never scream harassment then walk around in a bathrobe being the mad flasher. I try to give a heads up about the talk that reflects on us because of the risque behavior, but NOOOO. We all have free will- don't you know! Well- I got flashed and I'm offended. It was an eye full of nothing that I wanted to see. WTH!!!
We're going through an extra protective measure by the buddy system and never go out alone to prevent getting accosted by some pretty desperate pigs. Real men don't need to force anyone- ain't that the truth! Even in the sandbox there's some pretty stupid females that think they are still teenagers. I want to yell out, "Look in the mirror", (very few of those here). Say it with me R-E_S_P_e_c_T. What a joke - but not funny...and it's demeaning to all the females when one puts all in danger. At what age do you grow up? The answer is never, but some play their hand with a little more sense.
I started working out with my young buddy. Her angles are sharp, mine jiggle. I do feel so much healthier and stronger. It's great fun. I realized that I hated to work out around all the kids because I felt they were staring and saying, "look at the fat lady." Ok, maybe true, but there's a whole lot of helpers that want to show you how to tone this and how to work that. The encouragement is contagious. I'm really enjoying the gym for a change.
So how does this change me? First I'm going to the gym and I actually look forward to it. Next, I've learned that people without friends are a sad lot. I refuse to play the mean game. Forget that old saying about... keep your enemies close- who has the time of their life for that? I'm just going to enjoy my life and be nice to everyone. It's really same, same here...but different.
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