Paramedics here are a gas! We all try to "one up" each other. We tell our tales of the grosses stories that would make you anorexic in 5 seconds, but today I learned some useful tricks. I even got one of the guys to volunteer for this! I was taught how to roll an eyelid! This could be a very useful skill to teach your 5 year old. Use a Q-tip on your eyelid crease and grab the lash line while gently rolling the lid back. See...now you too can be a remote medic! I remember my grandma telling me that if I didn't stop that my eyelid would get stuck! But it's a great thing to know for someone with a stye. And I ask, is there any cutting involved? No unfortunately....
I am a procedure "ho" which means I really like to cut and stitch. I don't like the testing part- collecting poop, urine-yuk! We practiced stitches yesterday. It's amazing that everytime we have a lecture on something the patient follows. We had an elbow lecture...in walks an elbow injury. I even got to poke him with a stretched out paperclip...a legitimate test called the 2 point test, something like "pin the tail on the donkey", but with a patient. Yeah! We had a class on HEENT, ( sinus drain) and we had a run on that, oh boy... So we're learning how to do different techniques for stitching someone up. I've been waiting all day at the door, like a hungry dog waiting for a bone. I've suggested a number of times that Mike (lead paramedic/hot guy) let me cut him for the sake of my practice skills. I fiqure that since I'm stitching him up and I'll bandage that baby, (the wound- well Mike too), and I know how to do some neat stitches thanks to "Home Ec", so who would ever know. Speaking of gas... local hot guy, lead paramedic " Mike" happens to be full of it today. We are all congratulating him as he was promoted today to a Regional Operating Manager. I guess I'll have to act a little more respectful and play nice...I can be bribed! So...Congratulations Mike!!! And my eye rolling volunteer keeps following me around asking for therapeutic message...I told him to talk to me tonight- wink.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Give me a break!!!!
Germs are everywhere!!! We are having a out break of a cold virus. Employees are swarming into the clinic for help-. Fix me, they say! The only cure for a virus is hot soup and tea and treat the symptoms. What they really want is a day off. Give me a break. I'm working 14 hour days. Of course there's nothing else to do around here but work, but... Give me a break! They are going to infect me! How's that for a caring and compassionate health care worker. I'm finding that I'm having to teach them how to blow their nose on the brown paper towels, (wet them first or they will tear up your upper lip and nose), because there are no soft, fluffy tissues to be had here in Afghanistan. And, chapstick has many uses. Use #3 -scent free is used to put up your nose to prevent bleeding. How's that for army medicine! Dehydration is deadly here. I am constantly reminding everyone to drink their 4-6 liters of water a day. .. and please don't let anyone catch me cracking up as they make their 5th trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And do I really need to remind anyone of the no fraternizing rule? You can tell the couples by who gets sick- like we already guessed.
On the plus side, I have learn that any women go from a 2 in the States to a 10 in Afghanistan. Imagine that! Men out number the women 100-1. I originally thought that the guys working on these bases were extra chivalrous when the guys jumped to carrying my luggage, but when they moved as a pack of starving wolves? You've got to wonder-hum? They are so polite! They hop across barriers and gravel pits to say Hi! There is always room at any packed table in the mess hall even if their buddy has to sit on the floor. There is a women in her 50's who never got out of the 70's, and she actually wears make-up! Give me a break! Don't we have enough crap to wash off at night from all of the sand. She's cute as a button in her tight pink pants and large hoop earings- no it's not me- I never wore hoops. I can't guess how some can get around the uniform requirements. Anyways, I went for a midnight stroll and happened upon her and her beau at Lovers Lane. It's a quaint little corner of picnic benches at night that fairies turn into hard, break your ass, wooden benches during the day. He looked to be about 20 and Indian. I don't know what he was after???
Speaking of getting it, hell tent (the boudoir where I sleep) has finally turned around. There'a a new bitch in town. My southern belle, sweet as apple pie friend has turned Cujo! She had enough last night when we came in from working our 14 hour sift and the princesses had turned off the lights. We stumbled around with our mini flashlights to gather our personals to waltz across base to shower, ( another act of terror- snakes are nocturnal. We wear our boots to the showers and then back again in our jammies- cute visual isn't it). So anyway, she dropped a book that made a loud crash. I did my deputy dog laugh so hard, that I thought I was going to hurt myself. No one said a word...it's the little things here. You got to take a stand against stinky feet! Men sneak in and out of the private girl rooms all night and we have to fight to keep our space and for sole control of the temperature remote. Give me a break!
On the plus side, I have learn that any women go from a 2 in the States to a 10 in Afghanistan. Imagine that! Men out number the women 100-1. I originally thought that the guys working on these bases were extra chivalrous when the guys jumped to carrying my luggage, but when they moved as a pack of starving wolves? You've got to wonder-hum? They are so polite! They hop across barriers and gravel pits to say Hi! There is always room at any packed table in the mess hall even if their buddy has to sit on the floor. There is a women in her 50's who never got out of the 70's, and she actually wears make-up! Give me a break! Don't we have enough crap to wash off at night from all of the sand. She's cute as a button in her tight pink pants and large hoop earings- no it's not me- I never wore hoops. I can't guess how some can get around the uniform requirements. Anyways, I went for a midnight stroll and happened upon her and her beau at Lovers Lane. It's a quaint little corner of picnic benches at night that fairies turn into hard, break your ass, wooden benches during the day. He looked to be about 20 and Indian. I don't know what he was after???
Speaking of getting it, hell tent (the boudoir where I sleep) has finally turned around. There'a a new bitch in town. My southern belle, sweet as apple pie friend has turned Cujo! She had enough last night when we came in from working our 14 hour sift and the princesses had turned off the lights. We stumbled around with our mini flashlights to gather our personals to waltz across base to shower, ( another act of terror- snakes are nocturnal. We wear our boots to the showers and then back again in our jammies- cute visual isn't it). So anyway, she dropped a book that made a loud crash. I did my deputy dog laugh so hard, that I thought I was going to hurt myself. No one said a word...it's the little things here. You got to take a stand against stinky feet! Men sneak in and out of the private girl rooms all night and we have to fight to keep our space and for sole control of the temperature remote. Give me a break!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
NOT MY MOM! Afghanistan is a different world. I am used to a pristine world with clean, cool drinking water, a flushable toilet and all the toilet paper that my bowl can handle. I love a nice long, hot shower and blow drying my hair to make it silky soft and stylish. I can wash my hands and then use them to eat with. But, not here- I am in Afghanistan. I have no blow dryer, water is bottled, and they have real outhouses. Thank you God that they don't have the squatty potty's here! They don't call this the sandbox for nothing.
Thanks to all of the sand, everything is dirty. There is no way to keep anything clean. You get sand in places it should never be. Think of going to the beach- but worse. Sick call is always unusual. A pimple on your face will turn into a facial abscess in a day, mosquito bites get infected on a regular basis, (or I think it's mosquito's, who can tell, everything bites here). Sand in your eye, (remember I talked about the sand storms), can be a ripped cornea with little effort and infection is rampant. Sinus problems are common, (Claritin anyone? It should be given out in the free tub next to the chapstick and condoms), and so is foot ailments so disgusting that you can't go into the showers without shoes. There is no way to keep your feet clean and dry. Nasty fungus between your toes, under your nail, ripped skin from the sharp rocks...these are the things that keep me in business and allow me to do procedures...arrrr,arrr (thanks tim the tool man for that wonderful expression of satisfaction). I am learning how to extract ingrown toenail. Now aren't you jealous that you didn't come with! I can also drain your pusy, (you try to spell it), wounds with a simple cut from my scalpel. Stitches should be a breeze since I sew and cross stitch, so watch out! You might end up with a pretty little rose on your ripped up, muscular thigh- oo la, la. That's one way to leave my mark here. I am becoming the medic with the most-est! USA! USA! USA!
Thanks to all of the sand, everything is dirty. There is no way to keep anything clean. You get sand in places it should never be. Think of going to the beach- but worse. Sick call is always unusual. A pimple on your face will turn into a facial abscess in a day, mosquito bites get infected on a regular basis, (or I think it's mosquito's, who can tell, everything bites here). Sand in your eye, (remember I talked about the sand storms), can be a ripped cornea with little effort and infection is rampant. Sinus problems are common, (Claritin anyone? It should be given out in the free tub next to the chapstick and condoms), and so is foot ailments so disgusting that you can't go into the showers without shoes. There is no way to keep your feet clean and dry. Nasty fungus between your toes, under your nail, ripped skin from the sharp rocks...these are the things that keep me in business and allow me to do procedures...arrrr,arrr (thanks tim the tool man for that wonderful expression of satisfaction). I am learning how to extract ingrown toenail. Now aren't you jealous that you didn't come with! I can also drain your pusy, (you try to spell it), wounds with a simple cut from my scalpel. Stitches should be a breeze since I sew and cross stitch, so watch out! You might end up with a pretty little rose on your ripped up, muscular thigh- oo la, la. That's one way to leave my mark here. I am becoming the medic with the most-est! USA! USA! USA!
Speaking of, most of the world wants what we have in the good ol' USA...clean water, fresh food, peace and strength. AND, I mean strength without fear. Freedom not to be forced to blow themselves up as a human bomb when the bad guys are holding their families hostage. They speak of MTV and wearing jeans and t-shirts. They dream of saving enough money to move to the USA, land of the free, home of the brave. I've heard of this back home, but to actually meet and talk and see first hand is truly a God given experience. So, when you hear USA bashers carrying on about the war, please recite former Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain when speaking of America," A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at...how many want in...and how many want out." USA, USA, USA! We see foreigners all day in the clinic. The guys flock for our care. 'Course they always start out with asking for mouth to mouth, (for trench foot, I don't get it?)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
I am in Shangri-La...
I am in Shangri-La...really. I went from a big base that had so many fireworks that I was sick of losing sleep! The smaller base that I was sent to has Marines, oo-rah! They take no crap and are so polite! This is another universe. We have a steak cookouts once a week and the food is incredible everyday, every meal. It's even clean and looks like they sweep the gravel.
The downside is that we sleep 10 beds to a tent. Being a princess, I am not accustomed to that. We have 2 unofficial room Mom's that sleep higher than the rest of us peons. They direct us from their throne/bed and give you the proper etiquette of confined space behavior. For example, there are rules for lights on (7am) and lights off (10pm). Property found under your bunk is yours. Yesterday, Bosnia was looking for her helmet and she found one under Cherry's bed. She asked if it was Cherry's helmet, and she said," if it's under my bed, it's mine." Well....Bosnia looked at the numbers and it was hers- which she stated and clicked, clicked right out there. Funny! We're thinking about putting all the dirt that we sweep up under Cherry's bed- she can have it. I like Bosnia. She appears not to notice that they don't like her. She's friendly to me and I'll take all the friends that I can get. And the mom's also they tell you off if you slam the door...they chased me down for this very thing. So I just sweetly explained that I'm from Detroit and very used to a lot of noise. I don't even notice it. In fact, when there's a shooting, I tell them to shut up, roll over and go back to sleep! I even speak loud...didn't they notice- and then I laughed!!! They laughed back- this time....
Here's about the little things...
Me and my buddy lost our flashlights. Not a big deal back home. I can't even remember where I put the flashlights or if they even have batteries in them back home. Then a big storm comes and a power outage and suddenly the flashlight becomes important. It becomes comfort and your bestfriend, never leaving your hand until power is restore and then they're thrown aside again. Yesterday, the male electricians dared to work in the estrogen zone. Flashlights came up missing. I almost ran to security to report the thief, I was so angry!.. only to find mine wrapped in a hoodie. Flashlights are used to walk at night, as a fall precaution, since all streets and walkways are gravel here to keep down the dust. We also use them to search and scare away critters: Mice, Rats, Snakes, Scorpions...everything bites and you got to have the jump on them! So I'm feeling silly being upset about the little things when I suddenly realize that Ms. Cherry is the Vector control officer and I realize a new horror....She could really screw with me. I am at her mercy!
The downside is that we sleep 10 beds to a tent. Being a princess, I am not accustomed to that. We have 2 unofficial room Mom's that sleep higher than the rest of us peons. They direct us from their throne/bed and give you the proper etiquette of confined space behavior. For example, there are rules for lights on (7am) and lights off (10pm). Property found under your bunk is yours. Yesterday, Bosnia was looking for her helmet and she found one under Cherry's bed. She asked if it was Cherry's helmet, and she said," if it's under my bed, it's mine." Well....Bosnia looked at the numbers and it was hers- which she stated and clicked, clicked right out there. Funny! We're thinking about putting all the dirt that we sweep up under Cherry's bed- she can have it. I like Bosnia. She appears not to notice that they don't like her. She's friendly to me and I'll take all the friends that I can get. And the mom's also they tell you off if you slam the door...they chased me down for this very thing. So I just sweetly explained that I'm from Detroit and very used to a lot of noise. I don't even notice it. In fact, when there's a shooting, I tell them to shut up, roll over and go back to sleep! I even speak loud...didn't they notice- and then I laughed!!! They laughed back- this time....
Here's about the little things...
Me and my buddy lost our flashlights. Not a big deal back home. I can't even remember where I put the flashlights or if they even have batteries in them back home. Then a big storm comes and a power outage and suddenly the flashlight becomes important. It becomes comfort and your bestfriend, never leaving your hand until power is restore and then they're thrown aside again. Yesterday, the male electricians dared to work in the estrogen zone. Flashlights came up missing. I almost ran to security to report the thief, I was so angry!.. only to find mine wrapped in a hoodie. Flashlights are used to walk at night, as a fall precaution, since all streets and walkways are gravel here to keep down the dust. We also use them to search and scare away critters: Mice, Rats, Snakes, Scorpions...everything bites and you got to have the jump on them! So I'm feeling silly being upset about the little things when I suddenly realize that Ms. Cherry is the Vector control officer and I realize a new horror....She could really screw with me. I am at her mercy!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Hurry up and wait, then don't get paid...
Today has been a lesson in patience. And before we go any farther, please join me in a firm hello to the reason I am far away from home...the Taliban. Yes, that's right. I understand that they are following me as well. So let's give them the good ol' American bird! And, for you head scarfing, women beating, use your kids for bombs, women hating, trouble makers...read on. You will get no info from me. This is simply entertainment for the Fam and friends!
So back to my patience lesson. Due to so much business in camp and sand storms, we have been unable to make it to our new base...bummer! Not so bad, if you don't mine being confined to the area around your quarters. And not bad if you don't mind getting your dinner brought to you late and cold and with someone else making your selections. And, as I just found out, we don't get paid.... wtf? I have been beyond cooperative. They say that I have too many clothes? (just the ones I was issued at training and then here, they add another back pack with my supplies- wth?- this is a special message for Colleen, wth?). I have become a burden to the people I came to work for thru no fault of mine. I'm not trained yet to work here, so I hurry up and wait. Wait for flights that are overweight because of my pittily supply of clothes. Make a executive decision to allow "Know it all John" to go to his station and get left behind , (because it was the right thing to do- he wasn't playing well with others here), and I wait. Wait for flights that end up being delayed until tomorrow. Wait for escorts that are impatient and rude because they have an added responsibility-me. And always wait for sleep time. This is the thanks I get. Great! I am almost ready to turn into "The Maria". The hulk-ing mess of F---ing women that has grown men screaming to their mommy's. Or I can choose to think of all this as another adventure and just another blog to share. Hummm, I think I'll pick door #2.
So back to my patience lesson. Due to so much business in camp and sand storms, we have been unable to make it to our new base...bummer! Not so bad, if you don't mine being confined to the area around your quarters. And not bad if you don't mind getting your dinner brought to you late and cold and with someone else making your selections. And, as I just found out, we don't get paid.... wtf? I have been beyond cooperative. They say that I have too many clothes? (just the ones I was issued at training and then here, they add another back pack with my supplies- wth?- this is a special message for Colleen, wth?). I have become a burden to the people I came to work for thru no fault of mine. I'm not trained yet to work here, so I hurry up and wait. Wait for flights that are overweight because of my pittily supply of clothes. Make a executive decision to allow "Know it all John" to go to his station and get left behind , (because it was the right thing to do- he wasn't playing well with others here), and I wait. Wait for flights that end up being delayed until tomorrow. Wait for escorts that are impatient and rude because they have an added responsibility-me. And always wait for sleep time. This is the thanks I get. Great! I am almost ready to turn into "The Maria". The hulk-ing mess of F---ing women that has grown men screaming to their mommy's. Or I can choose to think of all this as another adventure and just another blog to share. Hummm, I think I'll pick door #2.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I think I can do this
Today was a new adventure. You never realize the crap that comes out of you, literally and thankfully- but, today I had the most unpleasant adventure of walking by the famous "Poo Pond". It looked like a glassy lake with an angelic fountain floating from the center. It's all liquified so, who would know? Those with any kind of sensory organs- that's who. The stench is horrible, indescribable and it seems to follow you like a bad fart. I tried to cover my face with my shirt and that was worse because it also gets into your clothes, so now I could taste it too. It makes your eyes water. I could go on and on, but who wants to talk about crap all day. I'm sure that's not what you signed up to follow. There is a best part to my story. The guys that I was with that were escorting me to roll call, decided after this experience to stop first at breakfast! This is my kind of place! Just like EMS, after a vomitus, bloody, guts all over mess- we would sneak off and call delay to get a bite and review the preceeding case while munching on fries. Yes, I think I can do this!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Airline travel is a great way to people watch. You can be whatever you want to be. Too bad it's usually a total a--hole! On my 5 hr trip from Texas to Wash DC, my neighbor and I picked out 5 terrorists on our flight. This stemmed from a man who was in line to use the bathroom and would not move for me to get into my seat- terrorist #1. I did squeeze into the seat, suffering a good bump on my noggin in the process. This game was my neighbors attempt to make me feel better... and me being a good sport!We even had a consular from Nigeria and the Air Marshall who had ear plugs in, but no volume, that sat behind us. So eventually we thwart the intended destruction and was shadowed into the airport by the USAF! Congratulations all around.
After 2 days of travel and numerous delays, we finally made it to KAF. My flight was 19 hrs, 13 spent from Wash DC to Dubai, where lucky lady mooned me again and I was mysteriously bumped from my choosen window seat to a spot between 2 big, hairy and smelly guys. Big guy #1 swore that he never sleeps and I could get up as much as I wanted to...he totally understood my predictament. Then, after knocking off a few cocktails, decided that he didn't feel like getting up, (8 hrs into the trip and only my 2nd request). I told him that I totally understood his choice and that I was very sorry to be a such a bother. Then I stood on my seat prepared to jump over him...he looked up in shock, ( oh to have a camera ready for moments as these), and said, "what are you doing?' I replied, " Honey, I have to pee and I'm going whether you like it or not. He jumped up in disgust and told me that if he had known that I was going to have to get up constantly, (??? 1 trips in 8 hrs. This was my 2nd request??) he would've have changed seats with me. So I said, there's still time! He wouldn't change seats but I took that opportunity from my prison to go and visit my friends in other sections and get a huge coffee!
Talk again soon...
After 2 days of travel and numerous delays, we finally made it to KAF. My flight was 19 hrs, 13 spent from Wash DC to Dubai, where lucky lady mooned me again and I was mysteriously bumped from my choosen window seat to a spot between 2 big, hairy and smelly guys. Big guy #1 swore that he never sleeps and I could get up as much as I wanted to...he totally understood my predictament. Then, after knocking off a few cocktails, decided that he didn't feel like getting up, (8 hrs into the trip and only my 2nd request). I told him that I totally understood his choice and that I was very sorry to be a such a bother. Then I stood on my seat prepared to jump over him...he looked up in shock, ( oh to have a camera ready for moments as these), and said, "what are you doing?' I replied, " Honey, I have to pee and I'm going whether you like it or not. He jumped up in disgust and told me that if he had known that I was going to have to get up constantly, (??? 1 trips in 8 hrs. This was my 2nd request??) he would've have changed seats with me. So I said, there's still time! He wouldn't change seats but I took that opportunity from my prison to go and visit my friends in other sections and get a huge coffee!
Talk again soon...
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