Hurry up and wait, then don't get paid...

Today has been a lesson in patience. And before we go any farther, please join me in a firm hello to the reason I am far away from home...the Taliban. Yes, that's right. I understand that they are following me as well. So let's give them the good ol' American bird! And, for you head scarfing, women beating, use your kids for bombs, women hating, trouble makers...read on. You will get no info from me. This is simply entertainment for the Fam and friends!
So back to my patience lesson. Due to so much business in camp and sand storms, we have been unable to make it to our new base...bummer! Not so bad, if you don't mine being confined to the area around your quarters. And not bad if you don't mind getting your dinner brought to you late and cold and with someone else making your selections. And, as I just found out, we don't get paid.... wtf? I have been beyond cooperative. They say that I have too many clothes? (just the ones I was issued at training and then here, they add another back pack with my supplies- wth?- this is a special message for Colleen, wth?). I have become a burden to the people I came to work for thru no fault of mine. I'm not trained yet to work here, so I hurry up and wait. Wait for flights that are overweight because of my pittily supply of clothes. Make a executive decision to allow "Know it all John" to go to his station and get left behind , (because it was the right thing to do- he wasn't playing well with others here), and I wait. Wait for flights that end up being delayed until tomorrow. Wait for escorts that are impatient and rude because they have an added responsibility-me. And always wait for sleep time. This is the thanks I get. Great! I am almost ready to turn into "The Maria". The hulk-ing mess of F---ing women that has grown men screaming to their mommy's. Or I can choose to think of all this as another adventure and just another blog to share. Hummm, I think I'll pick door #2.

I think I can do this

Today was a new adventure. You never realize the crap that comes out of you, literally and thankfully- but, today I had the most unpleasant adventure of walking by the famous "Poo Pond". It looked like a glassy lake with an angelic fountain floating from the center. It's all liquified so, who would know? Those with any kind of sensory organs- that's who. The stench is horrible, indescribable and it seems to follow you like a bad fart. I tried to cover my face with my shirt and that was worse because it also gets into your clothes, so now I could taste it too. It makes your eyes water. I could go on and on, but who wants to talk about crap all day. I'm sure that's not what you signed up to follow. There is a best part to my story. The guys that I was with that were escorting me to roll call, decided after this experience to stop first at breakfast! This is my kind of place! Just like EMS, after a vomitus, bloody, guts all over mess- we would sneak off and call delay to get a bite and review the preceeding case while munching on fries. Yes, I think I can do this!

Airline travel is a great way to people watch. You can be whatever you want to be. Too bad it's usually a total a--hole! On my 5 hr trip from Texas to Wash DC, my neighbor and I picked out 5 terrorists on our flight. This stemmed from a man who was in line to use the bathroom and would not move for me to get into my seat- terrorist #1. I did squeeze into the seat, suffering a good bump on my noggin in the process. This game was my neighbors attempt to make me feel better... and me being a good sport!We even had a consular from Nigeria and the Air Marshall who had ear plugs in, but no volume, that sat behind us.  So eventually we thwart the intended destruction and was shadowed into the airport by the USAF! Congratulations all around. 
After 2 days of travel and numerous delays, we finally made it to KAF. My flight was 19 hrs, 13 spent from Wash DC to Dubai, where lucky lady mooned me again and I was mysteriously bumped from my choosen window seat to a spot between 2 big, hairy and smelly guys. Big guy #1 swore that he never sleeps and I could get up as much as I wanted to...he totally understood my predictament. Then, after knocking off a few cocktails, decided that he didn't feel like getting up, (8 hrs into the trip and only my 2nd request). I told him that I totally understood his choice and that I was very sorry to be a such a bother. Then I stood on my seat prepared to jump over him...he looked up in shock, ( oh to have a camera ready for moments as these), and said, "what are you doing?' I replied, " Honey, I have to pee and I'm going whether you like it or not. He jumped up in disgust and told me that if he had known that I was going to have to get up constantly, (??? 1 trips in 8 hrs. This was my 2nd request??) he would've have changed seats with me. So I said, there's still time! He wouldn't change seats but I took that opportunity from my prison to go and visit my friends in other sections and get a huge coffee!
Talk again soon...

Quick lunch, quick prayer and off we go...today is flight day. Saying good-bye to everyone just about made me come back home, but then Mike called from Afghanistan and I'm back on my path. Half of us went through Washington  DC and the other half went thru Germany, (lucky dogs). We gave hugs and good-byes so much I thought that Dave/Steve was going to kick us all off the bus!
 I'm with my buddies Mike and Greg. Both are Christians... Mike is a christian and I met him when I was at the NC airport. He was reading scriptures from Jeremiah. I asked him what topic he was studying and we got to to talking and we found out that we were both going to the same place- divine intervention! Isn't God amazing! And God has since sent me more Christian friends...I am surrounded- over in abundance! I pray that he continues to keep his arm around my shoulders and his hand on my mouth- cause the annoyin,g nice guy is flying with me. Is this a test or has God planned to use me in a special way? Stay tuned! I can't wait to see what happens!

Leaving tomorrow

It's official, off I go. I won't be able to write for a few days, but I originally set this up to write a couple of times a week. But there's so much to share.
Today, for example, I met a couple more Christians and we went off under the gazebo to pray and worship the Lord. Spiritually, it was an incredible experience, plus the sharing of the scriptures and that are all meeting each other is really a blessing. I am flying over with 2 of the guys. A huge blessing!!! Because I'm also going with mr. know it all- done it all. He was outside my room carrying on and bad mouthing the company. The next morning, I told him about some big mouth outside my room carrying on. He said, "red-faced" that it wasn't him. I said, good thing...the boss is next to my room. He stayed away from me the rest of the day and has been so nice since! like what am I going to do? I thought to go out and shut him up at the time, but I'm glad it all worked out!
Talk to you again soon. Love ya all!!!

I had to share this. If you don't laugh, let me know. I'll send the padded truck for you!

 THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. ......EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! LMAO

I made a friend and it isn't this pc

Today I met my new boss Mark. He's a nice chap, quick with jokes and one liners. So we go out to the smoking lounge to talk. He's telling me of how customer service is very important and that I should be nice and try to meet as many people as possible. I reply that I really like patient care, blah, blah... as a man walks by. I say," Hi Ron". He says hello as he glints a smile with my boss. It then that I get the joke. I talk to everyone! And everyone knows it.  And I'm pretty good with their names too. So, Ha! Ha!
I did meet Donna, who is close to my age, beliefs in God and even size! She keeps me on track since I apparently developed a need to sleep. I fall asleep everywhere. I fell asleep in the computer room where I was suppose to be doing individual online training. Then I snoozed during a lecture. She gives me a quick jab and I wake with a snort or some such noise that makes it impossible to get away with the indiscretion. Thankfully, everyone laughs. But did I always do that? It's like the old people falling asleep in church, and when they awake I would indulgently smile at them. Geeez, I'm there and crossing over! It's about time!